The Last Day

I want to write about my buddy Toshi, but it is very, very difficult and this may take me a while.

My Shiba Inu, Toshi was almost fourteen years old when he passed away two days ago. His rear legs decided to stop working sometime during the night; he was also deaf and going blind. He was as always as active as he could be up until that time.

My wife and I decided it was time and we didn’t want him to go through any future suffering on our behalf. That afternoon, we had a veterinarian come to our home to euthanize him.

We all said our goodbyes in our own way, I myself carried him out to a shady spot under a birch tree and sat with him for an hour.  During that time, he would try to stand and I would help him hoping it was just some temporary condition, but it didn’t work.  He would shiver in fear and I would pet him and he would calm down.

Given that, I don’t think I can write about the process and I’m already in tears, but I will say that it was a peaceful, very respectful and loving process-no pain, no suffering.  My wife and I debated on who would stay and be with him when he died. In the end, it was my wife who sat with him while myself, and my two sons, along with our German Shepherd puppy went and had lunch until it was over. I even turned off our security cameras during that time. My wife placed a soft blanket on the lawn beside a small garden we have and comforted him until the vet arrived.

The decision to euthanize was a very hard thing to do. In all my days, I have never felt such grief over the death of a family pet. We’ve had pets die naturally before, but this was so different – he died humanely by our choice and as I write this, I am still having a rough time accepting that. It’s only been two days after he died and my emotions are still unsettled. 

When it was over, the vet placed Toshi in a basket with some lovely blankets-as if he were just sleeping. She put a paw print in clay and gave it to my wife with other information and then took him away to be cremated.  We will be getting an urn with his ashes soon. 

This grieving I feel right now is so different and very, very painful. Euthanasia is such a kind word for a mercy killing. The word itself means “good death” , but I am struggling with it  so much. In my grieving mind I killed my dog; in my compassionate mind I saved him from suffering and my self conscious mind is still working on it. True, he wouldn’t have been able to poop, or pee and he was already having troubles for an older dog. He was also deaf and doing all the things an old dog does. Trying to justify the choice to mercy kill my dog is like a merry-go-round of feelings right now. For example, laying next to me under that tree, Toshi had no clue he would be dead thirty minutes later-even that tears my heart to pieces when I think about it.

He had a great life. He was “his own dog” and very independent. He wasn’t a lap dog; he didn’t like water and he didn’t like other dogs too much. He like cheese, chicken and eggs (scrambles).

He was a good dog.

I miss him a lot; I’m crying….again.

All living things die, sooner or later and most of us understand and accept that. But, more often than not it’s the sorrow of losing a loved one when they die, but it’s the added pain of how they died that hurts so deeply – at least for me.

One day, I will let him go. One day I will not feel guilty. One day I will smile at the great memories. One day I will heal, but sadly, today is not that day.

…and that’s okay.

I miss my “baby duck”; my “Tosh Tosh” and “my buddy” so much.

So very much.